A Sound Advice

Togoparts.com clipped this article regarding a cyclist who was not knocked down by a car and died while she was listening to her Ipod.

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Oh, man.

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And I've been doing it like, ALL the time.

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This is scary. Maybe I'll take heed of this accident and exercise greater precaution.

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I'll just lower the volume a little.

Take a Break.

Literally - in all sense of the phrase above. A Kit-Kat van just knocked into the rear end of my car yesterday.

There is nothing more for me to say.

This is simply crap. Because my car wasn't even moving when it happened. The driver just banged into it when reversing the goddamn mobile chocolate factory.

Three days in the repair workshop. I hate Kit Kat.

Whoa. And It's not even March yet.

Received this in the mail just now only.

Sheesh. One month in advance. Swensen's has too many March birthday cards to send ah?

I am Bolo Hamwich!

aka Khajo Bosin aka Francois Burlap Reindeer aka Crustius Maximus.

Try these and surprise yourself. If it comes out as 'Tammy NYP', please tell me.

Your Hobbit Name

Your Jedi Name

Your Red Indian Name

Your Mountain Bike Name

Haha!

Cash Crop

In response to the forum picture above on Paneristi.com, a reader had to ask "where these Panerais are growing".
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Quirky.

Sowherethebloodyhellareyou

I'm intrigued by what I read in yesterday's papers. The header that I used is what the Australian Tourism Board is using as catchphrase to lure visitors Down Under.

I mean, in all good sense, it's really meant to poke a funny bone somewhere, but I think it ain't working.

Come on, you invite people to your country with pictures of acres and acres of fruit farms and various locations of oh-so-Heaven, and you use the word Hell?

Jeez.

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Bloody : a very mild swear word with multiple meanings; adds emphasis to basically anything you want it to, most often put before words, or in the middle of them; also often means annoying; has absolutely NO effect when said by Americans.

Examples:
Its so bloody cold out side.

Bloody Stephanie, always getting in the way.

I couldnt see a bloody thing.

On the contrary, Singapore is extending it's seemingless endless visions of Paradise by netting MTV to commercialise events here as yearly highlights in the Tourist calendar. Yup. They're marketing the island in such a cool way that even the Merlion is wearing Oakleys now.

Wow.

So I was kinda inspired as well to contribute to help upped the cool-factor here, and what better way than to cosmetic-ised some of our national icons :

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Aiya, anyway, names don't matter much what - people can use any methods ( deviant, unorthodox, gimmicks or otherwise ) to gain publicity. So the Aussie catchphrase may end up as being just a minor pert compared to the actual wonders of Perth.

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So, can the STPB get away with this?

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Oiseewhatnothappyisitcomedowntogeylangah

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Haha. Probably not. Bloody hell.

Male Bond-ing Issue

Yesterday evening I indulged in one of man's ego trip on the silver screen.

No, I was not watching the real-life triumphs of Micheal Jackson's plastic surgeon.

It was a DVD of a James Bond film - On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

It was also the only show which starred the only actor to play his only Bond persona - George Lazenby.

Good ol' George and his British wit. Here's one clincher :

When hardheaded Countess Teresa snubbed Bond and left him in a jiffy, the Countess' father, Draco jibed in, "She likes you, I can see it".

To which Bond replied curtly: "You must give me the name of your oculist".

Haha.

Oh well, the usual stuff ensued - villain chased Bond, Bond chased villain(s), Bond make out with women, Bond left women, Bond fall in love... hold on a sec. Bond fell in love?

Apparently, the producers wanted a drama-mama human touch to the secret agent. So they hooked him up with a gal and got them married off at the end.

It's also a good sign that Bond is conducting safe sex from now on.

This is the only movie that Bond will ever get matrimonial bliss. And all 3 minutes of it to last. For his bride was gunned down by Blofeld, the inspiration for Dr Evil in the Austin Powers saga.


Not a big deal really, cosidering the fact that the Bond franchise might just be gunned down permanently again with the selection of a Daniel Craig to play 007 with the licence to kill.

Bond afficionados will now have the licence to shrill.

Take a look at all the Bonds so far.



Surely now we know who's the odd one out?

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Quirky discovery : There was a mention of Bond's family motto : The World Is Not Enough - which eventually becomes a Brosnan vehicle some twenty years later.

Bittersweet moment - the last line of the movie goes like this ( Bond over dead wife's body ) :

"It's all right. It's quite all right, really. She's having a rest. We'll be going on soon. There's no hurry, you see. We have all the time in the world".

I'm shaken. But not stirred.

What's It Like For Them?

Came back home late yesterday.

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Drove through Kallang and stopped over at Mac's near Boon Keng MRT station. Really convenient - parked in front of the outlet some more. Got my double cheeseburger meal and was about to leave when I caught the sight of a motionless figure sprawling on the concrete platform of the MRT station.

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At first, I thought I was becoming a prime witness to a CSI-esque setting, so I stop breathing and prayed that I was just having a bad dream holding my breath underwater.

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After a few seconds, I realised turning blue wasn't exactly a wise option, so I did what any sane citizen would do - use 'eye power' and look-look see-see first.

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Sekali it turns out to be a shooting of a Crimewatch episode, lagi malu.

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Or worse, Gotcha.

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The strewn figure suddenly motioned on her back and moved to a foetal position, clutching whatever precious belongings she had with her.

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I realised suddenly what I just saw.

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She was a destitute, a homeless person in this mad-pace society of ours without a rooftop called Home.

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Thoughts zipped through my mind at the speed of sound - brain stopped working after 6 pm - isn't that place a little too open to call shelter, even for the night ? - even as I start unwrapping my double cheeseburger. Disturbing thoughts, indeed.

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I, too, came to the conclusion that she was disturbed - mentally.

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The homeless versus the disturbed - we all have seen them in the nooks and crannies of our little world - indulging in matters taboo to us, like scrapping for leftovers at foodcourts, carrying flattened cardboards, scavenging aluminium tin cans for the precious cents earned from karang guni men ...

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The list goes on.

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The disturbed sometimes does a little sensational act - even without being provoked. I once saw a grown-up man peeing in the open. Near Lau Pa Sat. And the toilets were a mere few feet from him.

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It is a very heart-wrenching sight, indeed.

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I guess everyone's have their own Karma or Destiny to follow through in Life, but when the unexpected twist happens, the very existence of Life is rendered meaningless - as these tortured souls brave the elements of a new world to seek their answers, wandering like the cursed giant Kronus with Pandora's temple on his back.

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I hesitantly wondered what her unexpected twist in that vagrant's life was.

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I suddenly felt a lump in my throat, but I knew I couldn't do anything useful. I went back to the car in the solace of my own private thoughts.

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For the first time in my life, I did not manage to finish the double cheeseburger.

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Impressionistic Music Videos

Being in a world surrounded by young adults most of the time, it is hard not to get swept away by the currents of teenage culture - a culture so alienable and static that one would have been forgiven for thinking it is Woodstock Revisited in the new millennium.

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No, not that Charlie Brown's bird.

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Of course, keeping up-to-date with the modern icons of now is, in essence, an occupation by itself. By that, I mean, you really need to know your stuffs and GROOVE along with the flow - simply 'moving' along is so passé now.

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Case in point. A 50-year old might think that Linkin Park does really play good music, while another might envisioned Linkin Park as the new underground mall between Tekka Market and Sheng Shiong.

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So I kept a mental note of things that really catches my attention. It also really helps that you have to be genuinely interested in all the latest styles and fads, the hip and happening, although I can't picture myself putting on yellow-frame spectacles and pink polka dots shirt in the name of style. Hip-hop is okay and breakdancing is fine, but NOT polka dots.

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Yikes. That would be my vision of Purgatory.

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Suddenly I remembered some really cool music videos - the perfect antithesis to knowing what's really hip and cool - via the goggle box. And with the onslaught of 24/7 MTV on-air, brainwashing 101 is at its' most subliminal.

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Some MVs, however, stealthily passed that latent stage of visual diffusion and managed to etch permanent mini-slides in my mind.

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Here are my nominees.

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Artist : Kiss ( Korean )

Title : Because I'm A Girl

Chutzpah Merits of Music Video : Damn drama mama. A really tear-jearker. Hairdresser Girl accidentally smeared shampoo on Potential Boyfriend, who later accidentally caused the smearing of photography acid on her. Guess the ending. You need to watch it to experience Korean hindustani opera at its best. Go Google!

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Artist : Extreme

Title : More Than Words

Chutzpah Merits of Music Video : Simply simple. Black and white somemore - a classic feeling that serenades with the acoustics of Nuno Bettencourt. The writhing expressions of both singers suggest constipation or diarrhoea, but frankly I felt they delivered the song in all it's majesty - brilliantly paced ballad in a brilliantly subtle video. Subliminal.

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Artist : A-ha ( no exclamation )

Title : Take on Me

Chutzpah Merits of Music Video : Ok. The downside is that the lyrics are mega-crap. But if you excuse yourself for being a lesser audiophile and concentrate on the visuals, everything is forgiven. Plotline - guy and girl gets trap in a separate caricature world, resulting in each other seeing each other as - guess what - sketches. Yup. Right down to the faint HB markings. Awesome concept. So, question is : do they rub each other off ? ( haha - excuse the pun ) OR do they sketched themselves a common bridge for a carbon reunion? Hmm. "Sharp" ending, if you ask me.

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Artist : Simple Plan

Title : Untitled ( duh )

Chutzpah Merits of Music Video : This one takes the cake - and every liquor at the birthday party - home. Really angst-ridden song played extremely well with the angst-ridden scenes of an accident. Got rain some more. Flashback memories serve as powerful reminder not to drink and cry while driving. Watch it to believe. And forget about the Kleenex - it's raining anyway.

The Perfect Solution

The Illogical Logics of Kids

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Cousin Shafik was in Primary One when my brother Zul asked him this :

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"Shafik tahu sembahyang tak?"

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"Mesti ah tahu...senang pe".

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"Ok, first step amik wuduk apa?"

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"Oh, tu senang je".

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Anticipating that he'll say something like - wash hand first or gargle mouth or rinsing - we waited for his response - but were unprepared for this ultimate punchline:

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"First step sekali bukak paip ah".

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It sure is small and it sure is cool. Oh, and it breaks easily too.

My brother cracked his Ipod Nano screen several weeks back. He sent it for repairs, but the nice folks at Wheelock Place gave him a new Nano instead.

Didn't think it could happen to me. But it did. While on an evening jog two weeks ago, my Ipod Nano screen cracked.

It wasn't because I placed it at the back pocket while I was running. Or when I was sitting down. The damn thing just cracked somewhere between East Coast Seafood Centre and East Coast Chalets.

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Maybe the chilli crabs got to it.

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I went ballistic. The wasn't anything visible left on the screen, except for a metallic grey patch of matter that seemed destined to cover the whole screen soon like some fungal invasion (something like the pic above, which isn't mine by the way).

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Anyway, a grey patch was also developing in my rabid senses. Crap. I can't even scroll through a songlist anymore. With the screen decommissioned, it was really beginning to look like a very, very expensive Ipod Shuffle to me.

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I asked my brother how long it would take to send it for service / repair / whatever.
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5 days?

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I need to get lost somewhere and take a long, long crap.

I can't live that long without my Nano - the coolest looking gadget in my world.

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Even though it scratches easily ( which I didn't know of ) and had a silvered back ( which also scratches easily - and which I also didn't know of ), it is still a really, really nice eye-candy.

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Unfortunately, like all virgins, the Ipod Nano needed to be covered up from prying elements.

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I learnt my lesson on protecting digital modesty quickly.

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When I collected my replacement, I didn't remove the plastic cover, got a nice skin to stick around it, got a transparent silicon housing to wrap around it AND lastly, a hard plastic ( and totally gaudy ) case to completely encase the chaste virgin into an overfed-looking electronic mummy. By then, I realised it DID NOT look a Nano at all.

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The Ipod Nano - the coolest looking gadget in my world. Even though I can't see it in its' purest form now with all the protective shells.

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Sheesh. The price we pay for musical vanity these days.

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Does It Really Sound Like That?

To get ahead of Ebay in terms of online payment, Google has started testing it's own payment system called GBuy.

TalkingCock.com had, apparently, featured a similar hokkien-sounding term in a tongue-in-cheek column way back in November last year. They called it Goobye.

I remembered, way back during cadet times in OCS, I had a certain instructor who was fond of saying this moniker : 'n**** kubai'.

Was it all a premonition of greater things to come?

That LTA Kubai triggered Goobye to start initiating payment thru Gbuy?

Buy bottled water if you like the taste, but don’t kid yourself thinking it’s healthier than water from the tap.

Having said that, I wonder if anyone out there ever realised that the bottled water that they drank could be just....normal tap water?

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Conspiracy theories aside, there is nothing to suggest that it cannot be done ( or has it? muahaha - evil snort ) or that the bales of water with the 'supposedly' extra minerals in it will cost you approximately 1000% more for the same volume of tap water.

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A little education for us all - there are three known types of bottled water :

1. Spring water - comes from underground

2. Artesian water - comes from deeper underground

3. Purified water - tap water that has been distilled.

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Well, the breakdown of all these comes to a simple fact : that water is - irregardless of what you put inside it - water.

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Which I why I shudder to think of why I'm still paying $2.00 for a brand of XXX mineral water when I realised there are informed intelligent adults out there who still load their waterbottles with tap water.

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Of course, intelligent adults can't be seen carrying their waterbottles in public anymore now, so they delegated this menial tasks to a lower form of species termed as 'children'.

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Seriously, can anyone out there ever distinguished two similar bottles - one with minerals and the other purely tap water?

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I don't think so. Unless your super-sensitive nose hairs are designed to sniff out potassium and magnesium at minute levels.

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An article here mentioned that most normal people cannot differentiate the above. Let me know if you do. Chances are the Ministry of Environment will employ you to sniff at all the sludge at NeWater factories to test for afterscents.

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Now, wouldn't that be a scent-timental thing to remember when you sniff back at your glorious past? Haha.

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Ok, I'm going back to my hot chocolate now.

Bad Women Drivers - Myth or Painful Reality?

I am constantly irked by the presence of unruly road users who thinks, in local slang, that "the roads their grandfather one ah".

I am even more appalled that, of every traffic inconveniences that I encountered, 99.9% of them are initiated, caused or maybe triggered by women drivers.

Lest I sound discriminatingly sexist, I have good female friends who drive their cars so 'peacefully' by the time I woke up it'd be the next day or I'll find myself in Vancouver.

The truth reared its ugly horn yesterday evening. While coming back home on the usually packed expressways, this particular Honda Stream in front of me suddenly jinxed its way dangerously into my path during a bend, instantaneously waking me up from my passive car-driving-daydreaming mode.

My civilised upbringing told me to keep it cool and not act in instant rage, like shouting expletives in German, in spite of the sudden jamming of the brakes. Relax. Chill.

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So I honked loudly on my car horn.

Well, usually you'd expect a hand gesture ( not the middle finger one ) to indicate that the driver's sorry for probably causing an incident that might caused an accident.

She didn't do any of that. And I'm sure my car horn was working because I am half deaf now.

How did I know that 'she' was a 'she' and not a 'he'?

Puh-leese. I didn't do a gender check on the person ok. I overtook the moron like a seasoned drunk driver from Geylang and confirmed my Hulk-developing anger when I saw Maybelline's Hawaiian pink lipstick being applied on that cracked lips of that insensitive culprit.

( Well, it could be a pretty looking man with an affinity for lipsticks, but er, maybe not).

And I simmered.

Truth is, I had confirmed my greatest fears. That despite of all Nenek's stories of angels in disguise, various hantus and ghouls and apparitions, I have now encountered the entity called Bad Women Driver in unholy, bad-ass action.

I shrieked for a while, and after that cursed a lot.

I went home, and almost immediately began to seek enlightenment. Nirvana came two hours later.

Article : Bad women drivers: not a myth trumpeted by men, say scientists

Article : Bad driving 'linked to hormones'

Hah! The sub-header says it all!

"Spatial skills such as map reading and parking may be difficult for some women because they had too little testosterone in the womb."

I was thinking whether a woman's innate ability to pilot any machinery in a lame and outrageous way may have resulted from reading this book.



Hah! Too little testosterone! It sure meant that men has completely GREATER control of things now than women. Yes. Men + Testosterone = Greater Control + Dominance. CONTROL! DOMINANCE!

Whoops. Excuse me. Mak just forced me to wash the plates after dinner.

The Literati in Me

Am really trying to complete the following books - all three at once.

Hippolyte's Island - Barbara Hodgson tried to do a more novel-ish version of Nick Bantock's Griffin and Sabine Trilogy, and I think she overdid it. I ordered the book from Amazon.com, because somewhere along the reference links to people who read Bantock books, "they also read Hippolyte's Island". Sheesh. So I also buy lor.

I'm not wasting my money, man. So I'm going to undergo partial labotomy and TRY to fathom the book.

The plot so far - Hippolyte Webb ( very the strange name - sekali the father's name is - yup - Worldwide Webb ) - a seafaring discoverer of lost continents ( much like a modern day Columbus ) found a piece of parchment that spoke of a new, undiscovered group of islands known as the Auroras. Problem is, the given longitudes and latitudes don't add up, so our protagonist must go through several obstacles ( don't they all? ) until he managed to get that much closer to his prize.

The interesting portion of the book, is of course, the art. Illustrations are much like Bantock-style, but slightly more formal. Bantock is more surreal.

Heck, if I wasn't so artistically inclined, I wouldn't have survived past the sleeve of the hardcover. The book's very the descriptive, and more languid in certain aspects, but I'm on page 34 now, so that speaks volumes ( Volumes of Hippolyte's Chronicles?!? - wouldn't want to even think about it ).

Alive - The Story of the Andes Survivor. Hmm...interesting back story catalyst.

Back during the Jurassic era when I was in junior college, my gang ( hmm..gang sounds so ... 'gangsterish.. ), ok, my clan of friends ( hmm..sounds much better ) and I sneaked out during lectures and went to watch this movie called Alive.

That was like 14 years ago. And I can still remember the way the plane smashed against the mountains and the passengers flung out from the cabins like crash test dummies.Very visual and graphic.

Of course, Lost followed the cue 14 years later, and changed the setting to a tropical island and to the tone of a possessed Hitchcock.

What irks me is that the survivors did not, for even a moment, realised that they were meant to die, because they believe that all odds, sheer mountain walls and otherwise are surmountable. Pretty poetic heroism. And it''s all true.

Even when they're eating their dead friends' flesh to survive the hunger.

I'm on page 114, by the way. By that page, the survivors had just cut the thighs of a friend for breakfast.

The last one - Love in the Time of Cholera - is my favourite.

Yes, for those of you movie trivia lovers (me as well), this book appeared as the sacred sign of destined lovers in the movie Serendipity.

Senor Garcia Marquez wove a intricate love story of the poor Florentino Ariza who succumbed to great passion for finding his true love in Fermina Daza, a Spanish immigrant. Set against a Carribean setting, the pair of doves whistled great ephipany of romance and undying passion through years of chain love letters. Cliche, I know, but this book's a classic. Not a typical Mills & Boons, mind you, but rather an intelligent and eclectic mix of humour, wit and love.

So what's so great about it? Oh nothing, apart from the fact that Florentino Ariza waited almost 50 years to prove his undying love for Fermina Daza, even when she married a rich and handsome young doctor, Juvenal Urbino ( yeah, cliche, cliche... )

Well, the path of true love never runs smooth, if you asked me.

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So, the next question goes like this :

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With three different plot lines of undying love, exhilarating treasure-hunting tales and a manual to survive a plane crash in the Andes, does it get more complicated that this - writing a blog?

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Haha. I'll soon figure it out.

Trons at Torino

The Winter Olympics are here again.

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And us here in winterless Singapore couldn't possibly give a damn, with the exception of a gargantuan wish that one day, snow ( or excessive soap suds from Bukit Timah and Mount Faber ) will fall from the heavens and thereby giving us an excuse to parade our stylo winterwear, throw actual snowballs at each other, make instant iceballs and freeze our balls off in sub-zero temperatures everywhere - and not only at Snow City.

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Hah. Imagine also - no more aircon bills to pay for at least three months. Sure save a lot.

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Hah. Imagine also - water heater bills, warmer thermostats at home, price of hot chocolates go up, doctor's fees ( everyone's having flu suddenly ) etc. Sure spent a lot - more.

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Sigh.

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Wah lao.

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Imagine also freezing your ass in the morning to go buy prata for breakfast. Worse still, trendy fashionistas would be committing major fashion faux pas if they were spotted queueing for original Jalan Kayu prata - and wearing fake Prada. Lagi if you go Jalan Kayu and eat out in the open, chances are you'll already be hibernating halfway through the curry. And curry ice-popsicles are never the IN thing. Haha.

Actually, I have seen some people wearing winterwear during one of the those monsoon, rainy days we had at the start of the year. One person was wearing a snowcap and another, a thick jacket capable of surviving Arctic frostbite.

I would really like to think an umbrella just helps.

The man-in-the-street perspective of the Winter Olympics is this :

Wow. Those lycra / spandex costumes really hug tight, and I mean REALLY tight. Everyone looks like a superhero or Mr Incredible or something. And the colours - whoa. Damn bright and really glaring too. Everyone's in Fluorescent Land or Neon City.

And everyone's looking like clones to one another. Perfect physiology in action. NO traces of cellulite - any obscene fatty deposits at any rear ends are easily sniped from a distance. It seems everyone's a fit freak here. A perfect cut in ultra-tight costumes : Cellulites Not Noticeable (CNN). Slimming centres are destined to go bankrupt here.

Actually, the tight costumes kinda reminded me of Tron, a vintage Disney computer-aided film back in the 80's.



See the similarity? I thought Tron was a really cool movie back then - especially during the Lightcycle chase.

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Oh nevermind.

11 pm Must Go Home, ah?

In the past 2 days of ST, it is reported that the police will impose a restriction on youths under 17 who hang out on the streets or void decks after 11pm. Parents will be notified with a letter.

Reasons given:

1. Crimes involving youths are on the rise.

2. There is a strong correlation between youths who hang out in groups late at night and crimes/fights. They usually ended up being target of provocation or are provocative themselves.

My stand?

Well, I can understand how sickening the numbers 16 and below can be for those in this group age. Heck, it might even be a taboo issue in the coming weeks, especially after 11 at night. The moral thread here is that as our society matures - culturally, socially and environmentally more intricate, there remains a nuance that maturity comes along with development.

Not true.

People will take sides on this issue; forums will become ablazed and gossips will desecrate the crux of the matter. But in the end, one's action's is justified by his worth and never the years of his life. In other words, age never correlates to maturity. You can be damn young, but you're probably more mature than the apek digging his nose while cursing over the missed 4D numbers.

On a lighter note, the Police might be making a lucrative business deal with these watches. Once they cornered up those loitering teens after the curfew hours, the Police Innovative Scheme Sales (PISS) Team pops up from behind void deck walls and starts their cajoling prowess to force these kanchong morons to surrender their cash for these made-in-Guam watches.

Some features of this watch :

1. This cool Spy Truth Detector Spy Watch features a lie detector (bio-feedback sensor). Teens can't get cocky anymore - The Police know where you've been.

Sgt Pol bin Ice : "So, where you all from?"

Cocky Kid : "Er... we just came back from the Getai Roadshow in Havelock Rd".

Sgt Pol bin Ice : "Don't bluff! Hello, your heartbeat is too slow ok, especially AFTER a Getai show!Station!". Darn.

2. World time (24 city clock) set to Actual Stipulated Signal (ASS) time from Police HQ. That means cocky teens can NEVER mess with the time. No more. Period. Die.

3. Message coder (3 different languages - in English, baby talk and pig latin) to remind you to run your ass home - synchronised to play every minute from 10 pm onwards.

4.Pre-fixed Super Loud 10.50 pm alarm. (wah lau! 10 minutes more to 11 o'clock. Wah piang eh! Better faster run!)

Requires one 3V Lithium battery, included. 6 years and above. Regular price: $19.99. Free Police keychain (while stocks last).

Pick-Up Lines? What a Cliche...

I remembered sharing with some of my friends about this particular teacher-friend of mine who frequented the Ministry of Sound since it's opening. At the bar counter, he sauntered to some of the woman execs and casually began to indulge in small-talk. When asked what his profession was, my friend casually remarked,

"Oh. I'm a teacher".

The women expressed silent gasps, and one of them motioned to him with rolling eyeballs.

"I thought teachers are supposed to be role models and not be seen around places like these?", she quipped, conforming to the ancient belief that all educators should live at mountaintops and indulge in yoga as therapy for mind-strengthening in the mornings. ( In actual fact, my friend thought that she was describing herself, the mountain tortoise ).

Casually, and placing his drink coolly back on the tabletop, he let go of this killer punchline - the mother of all 'teachers-also-have-a-life' statement :

"Oh. It's a dayjob".

Cool.

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Anyway, here's two of my favourite World's Worst Pick-Up Lines.

Caution : Do not try this at MOS, or any other hip establishments, for that matter - your Singapore Idol chances will be jeopardised greatly.

1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

2. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

Ok, I Couldn't Resist.

Heck, I could watch this rerun of Whose Line - guest-starring Richard Simmons - again and again.

Yup.

So brilliantly funny - It's been quoted 'the Funniest Episode Ever'.

Geez. I could watched ALL the episodes in one weekend and hoped not to get my jaws locked from the sheer hilarity of it all. It's impossible not to laugh.

I think I'm addicted to Wayne Brady. Haha.

Desperate Mondays

If there was ever a local version of the Desperate Housewives, here’s my two-cents of the potential cast :

Title : Desperate Shoppers ( aptly so - who's NOT buying the 40-50% Great Singapore Sale? Duh. And we ALL know how DESPERATE we can be ). Great potential tv hit for many seasons, simply because we have shopping seasons all year round.

Clueless divorcee : Susan Meyer - to be played by Zoe Tay ( who better to take on this leading role than the Queen of Caldecott Hill herself? She still won’t even have the slightest clue on what to do with the extra slimming pills and children’s formula milk from her endorsements ).

Uptight Perfectionist : Bree Van De Kamp - Kim Ng. Enuff said.

Superdad : Mr Lynette Scavo to be played by Suhaimi Yusoff. Because as Sgt Dollah, he can cut queue during the Great Singapore Sale and still can get away with ‘official police business’.

Cheating Wife : Hmm…difficult choice. Gabrielle Solis can be played by many TCS vixens, but my vote goes to Fiona Xie. Just don’t ask why. It’s just a seasonal choice for men nowadays.

Of Purples and Quails

Ix Shen doesn’t really know what to do with his money.
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So he spent, like a couple of grand, to apply some road-worthy cosmetics to his Hi-Jet. I don’t really see what’s the big hoot about, displaying so-darn-eyecatching purple flames on your minivan WHEN it only increases greater chance of being SPOTTED anywhere on this island ( worse, in conspicuous places that totally shatters any notion of anonymity – and Ericia Lee’s heart, if she’s not in it - haha ) and helped make Traffic Police reports a breeze when it comes to the summonses – “purple-fire-streaked van”. Of course, being so darn obvious on the roads, Ix will most probably never go above 60km/h in it, except when Ericia needs to be rushed to the hospital to spill her guts out from the creepy mush she consumed every week in that Fear-Factor-Foodie-Fest, Nippon-style shown on Channel 5.

My point?

Heck. Who needs snazzy designs on cars when all you need is something simple and terribly unique so as to differentiate your automobile from the clone masses?

Haha. Self-amusement.

The Traffic Police will never miss these cars either if they run afoul of the law. Sure kena - confirmed + guaranteed. Right on target.

Watch those Stilettos!

Transformer - More than Meets the Eye!

Excessive Shoppaholic

My Favourite - Confession Car

Speaking of target practice, Dick Cheney, the U.S Vice-President has been in the news lately.

That’s right.

It’s news if he’s on the news, because almost everyone that I know hardly even remember an evolution of such a species ( almost mythical, like the Merlion ), let alone remember the names of any of the Vice-Presidents.

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Dick’s in the news because he shot his good attorney friend during a quail-hunting trip.

Yup. You can say that he ran a-fowl of the law.

Anyway, the butt of jokes began to pile on him from all corners of the U.S. I picked up this line from Bill Gates himself, and I thought it was really funny.

During a conference, Bill Gates quipped to his audience that “I’m really glad to be here” because “my other invitation was to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney”.

Haha.

What a Dick.

Dick has really need to hide himself in some obscure parts of this concrete zoo-society ( and obviously not the Bird Parks – the winged dichotomy of Evolution has already declared Armageddon on him ).

On the topic of hiding faces, there was an interesting article in the Sunday Times about people who looked in the mirror and think they don’t look good enough still.

Apparently, this ‘monster-in-the-mirror’ effect is so profound and real for some individuals that experts have coined it Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), or Imagined Ugliness Syndrome (IUS).

Thank God most of us have the opposite polarity of this syndrome when we faced the mirror. It’s also called IUS – I’m Unquestionably Stylo ( males ) and I’m Undeniably Sexy ( women ).

Postscript - Memories of Stong

Somehow the itch of climbing suddenly comes back to me. Reaching summits have always brought different highs. But nothing beats the feeling of being at the top of the world.

A Mini Reunion with Some Serious Laughing Business

Tonite's a great moment after all. Met up with some really good frens and had a really, really good time - certain unforgettable quirks to quip about :

1. a great pick-up line : 'dengar-dengar you ada kucing?' - translated loosely : 'I heard you got a new pussy with you?'

2. That birth can be induced through the channelling of lightbeams, ala the imminent drop-from-the-sky-Mr-Bean effect. Preferable under a very big lightbulb. Someone needs serious Biology revision here.

3. Ameen is seriously in need of help : he's really a Brokeback Cowboy now - minus the spurs and the big rodeo hat. Yee-haw! Ride on me, Tonto!

4. That far-flung places like Sembawang really exists, and not a modern myth in urban Singapore. Guys, can you still find the North Star?

5. Who might have guessed that the screaming makcik on Suria happens to be my student's grandma, who also happens to be my grandma's cousin? Small world indeed. ( note : Grandmas of the World - please take note that you are expected to exercise physical control of yourself when appearing on national television and not provoke bodily actions that suggest self-rape in progress ).

6. That tiramisu contains alcohol? Duh.

7. That moments like these nostalgic delicacy are really precious, and should be savoured to the fullest. Preferably with ikan bakar. Power beb.

8. Medee is a mamak-helper-in-training of taking down orders. With the mamak's own pen and paper. Sheesh.

Good friends who remember one another are precious people that we should always hang on to. They are the few linelines that diverged out from your inner core, thereby making them a greater part of your own Life. They choose to remember and appreciate the moments, therefore give yourself a chance to be a part of their lives too, albeit in some small, miniscule effect. I did, and I made the right choice when I gave myself the chance.

So here's to Rafi, Medee, Taufik, Aisyah, Ameen, Haliem and Nis. Thanks for the moments. You guys are the greatest.

A New Whole Perspective Altogether

Got this line from TalkingCock.com, about an article to encourage the coming Elections to be held Idol-style.

“We know that the Men in White all can talk cock, but with a Minister Idol contest, we can also find out if they can sing song."

Really does give a good nudge-wink to use the 'talk-cock-sing-song' chant in a valid way. Haha.

Some Irks...

Just watched A Light Affair on Channel 5. I am beginning to think the women featured ( ahem ) are really a light headed affair to begin with. One was quipped about her dream date :

to have a hot air balloon date with Superman

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Lest she wasn't thinking straight, better get this light fact to her senses : that's not a hot date at all, considering SUPERMAN CAN FLY!!!

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Duh.

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Please, creative people at TCS, please, please screen the faces you're going to show on national tv. Very the paiseh if all they can do is smile and smile and SMILE. And the hasty editing and major cutting is really, really upsetting. All viewers get are cheesy one liners, and the trailer's more scandalous than that!

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Oh ya, about the guy ( undergrad somemore ) who lost 19 ( nineteen ) handphones in just a couple of years, these are some suggestions of how you can never lose that precious darn thing again :

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1. Swallow one, and make sure it stays in the body. If it ends up at the ass, at least the bum gets a nice kula-shaker effect when it vibrates.

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2. Consider implants - preferably Bluetooth-enabled, near the ear, brain or mouth. At least you save cost on that fancy wireless Jabra earpiece.

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3. Be Darth Vader - replace real hand with prosthetic, robotic limb with built-in Vertu, universal remote control and Ipod songlists - all in your palm. Cool.

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4. Get M1 or Singtel to sponsor you your own GPRS network base station. It's really good mobile advertisement for them. Of course, with that bulk around you all the time, you'll look like a really stoopid Transformer, but the good thing is you'll never miss a call or SMS anymore, even from Timbuktoo.

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5. Don't use one. Save your money and start your own Telco giving phone discounts to people who lose more phones than you in that same number of years.

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Duh.

Pee Up!

Mr Koh, my primary school scoutmaster was a quietly funny man, I remembered. During one of those holiday scout camps in school, I reminisced him telling us of the various positions Man adopted during 'osmoregulation' ie. peeing :

The first one was the Superman pose - hands on the hips, and majestically standing over the golden fountain cascading down to the bowels of the earth below.

Next was the Hands-on-the-Wall-Surrender pose - like some culprit caught in a burglary and made to stand with palms outstretched on the wall, waiting to be frisked. The men who adopted this pose are likely to be looking at their little friends for anxious male-bonding moments.

Up next is the Fireman. This type of species holds their members like a firehose, anxious to put out virtual fires with their rotational gyration, leaving the accident site in a triumphant blaze of glory.

Lastly is the Exhibitionist. He looks at the other people while peeing.

Tagalog Territory?

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Midway through an introduction of the human reproductive system, I recalled a particular student of mine pronouncing this particular scientific term like this :

"philippian tube"

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O-kay.

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Actually. The correct pro-nun-ciation is fallopian tube. ( I was still on lecture mode and had not shown any text or visuals yet - hence this 'commotion'. )

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This student was more inquisitive; more so than I thought. He further asked me this :

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"Sir, it is named so because the doctor who discovered it was called Phillip, or was he from the Phillippines?"

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I told him to completely scrap the idea from his mind and started to focus on the word OVIDUCT instead.

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On a side note, everyone knows that Valentine's Day is a soulless abomination of a holiday invented by an evil consortium of wealthy gardeners and greeting card designers in a desperate attempt to make us buy more flowers and cards. Their nefarious ploy worked, as every year men are forced to buy cards and gifts or face scorn and ridicule.

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Let me show you Love in the ways of the Force.